It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Monday, February 27, 2006
withers away @ 10:56 pm

handling a large group isn't my forte. maybe it was 10yrs back, but not now.

It's something Mystical

Friday, February 24, 2006
withers away @ 11:03 pm

i found this quote from another teacher.. she's a really nice english teacher and i bet kids love her to bits..
a hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house i lived in, or the kind of car i drove.. but the world may be different because i was important in the life of a child..
i suppose this is wad keep teachers going despite the numerous complaints we make (including me).. haha..
*trying hard not to think abt results..*

It's something Mystical

Sunday, February 19, 2006
withers away @ 12:22 am

everything always looks fine on the surface, but somehow somewhere there'll be something brewing. or waiting to explode, waiting to be revealed. its human nature to hate changes, and we often pretend that nothing changed, and lead our lives so-called the same way. i brush alot of thoughts aside, esp when the mundane of life takes over. but there are times when it is difficult to ignore the tugs at my heart. there are things im afraid to lose, but in the journey of life, things are bound to change, people are bound to leave. is there anything that can be bound to u for life?
i believe there is one.
that's memories.
i hate it when words are inadequate to express what i feel. argh.

everytime when i fall asleep
i wish i won't pretend to sleep
oh no
maybe i am a freak

everytime when i shed a tear
how i wish i won't take responsibility
to make you sorry

but the lazy days lie on my bed
the story goes on
years go by
the shadow tells me
sentimental kills

everytime when i fall asleep
i wish i really have a beautiful dream
to make me happy

please, save save save me
sentimental kills by chen qi zhen

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, February 15, 2006
withers away @ 11:53 pm

i can't really put down in words what i've been feeling for these 2 wks.. coz its a new experience everyday.. so just some random thoughts.. many times these people make me recall wad it was like for me in pri sch..
p1 and 2s dunno the difference between 'miss' and 'mrs', 'li' and 'lee'.. after a while i didnt bother to correct them anymore.. just that it was quite embarrassing having teachers look at me with some weird looks when students shout 'mrs li' when they see me in the corridors.. haha.. but they are cute kids man.. sometimes the smile on their faces is all u want to see after a long day..
p4 gep classes have ss pw to do and they are supposed to submit a proposal.. hmm did i know of smth called a proposal in p4.. hmmm
p6s can do their own work.. or maybe coz i took the gep class.. well i dunno..
p3 classes im taking now.. and for the coming 2 wks.. one word: noisy. p1 and 2s are noisy too, but they are just playful.. p3s start to get rebellious.. its difficult not to flare up sometimes coz they dun listen to u.. haha.. and i've only taken them for one day.. good luck to me.. but i try not to be too harsh, coz i know they'll never like me that way.. but at least i get encouragement and advice from colleagues.. which is really really nice:) another problem: their classroom is so far away.. coz they're at the hilltop.. how can i get to next class and bring them to the com lab on time? hmmm i need to find a way..
should i be a teacher in future? im starting to have doubts.. but from wad i see.. though we complain alot, we mark alot at the same time.. we still have the interest of the kids at heart i guess:)
see how see how..

It's something Mystical

Thursday, February 09, 2006
withers away @ 12:12 am

ok this is going to be super long.. be prepared.. i know its long overdue but.. i've been busy.. haha.. watching tv and studying for ftt.. hehe.. i wonder if i can finish mugging man.. im teaching yet studying.. hmmm.. haha..

26012006 1.12pm
we just came out of the hotel on the way to lunch.. its a bumpy road.. coz its the more rural areas.. (im having some difficulty making out my handwriting now.. so imagine how bumpy the road is...) reminds me of grandma's house..
traffic conditions here are terrible.. not that there are jams.. but ppl here dun abide by traffic rules.. haha.. its like.. suddenly i can see our tour bus in the middle of oncoming traffic.. i hope we stay alive.. haha..
anyway its really serene and quiet here.. reminds me of grandma's place again.. with cold weather of 10+ deg.. oh well.. heard its 20deg here ytd but dunno why temp suddenly dropped.. hopei t doesnt drop beyond this..
4.10pm
there's this really cute little boy in our tour grp.. he just smelt his own bloster and said "chou chou".. so cute! has big eyes too.. vv cute.. he's the new pet of our whole grp man..
the tour guid xiao yang just said smth.. i rmbr the english equivalent.. a joy shared is a joy doubled.. a burden shared is a burden halved..
oh and we saw this grp of old man sitting around in a semicircle on the grass just now.. they were taking a rest from carrying buckets of water.. one of them was smoking using a pretty think bamboo pipe.. found it pretty interesting.. someone even took a picture with him.. haha..

27012006 7.42pm
resting in the hotel now.. just went sight seeing around today.. really nice natural beauty here.. love this hotel man.. ytd's hotel room was terrible.. it was so cold! coz the heater was of no use at all.. and the temp's outside was like.. less than 10deg? but we have pretty nice weather here now coz there's sunshine! well we're going to the night mkt here later..
oh no.. there's some prob with our tv.. that's bad.. i always survive on tv at night in the hotel before i sleep.. like last night.. we reached the hotel so damn early i was watching tv the whole night and switching channels everywhere.. hoho..
oh dad called room service and they got it fixed.. yeah!..
11.35pm
alone in the hotel room now since parents went for foot massage (they always do) and im not interested in it at all.. haha..
so now im watching a match between federer and kiefer.. its my first time watching a tennis match.. i'll never stay on this channel if not for my curiosity of federer.. i dunno much abt tennis but at least im really enjoying the match.. its really cool man..

28012006 12.27pm
xy is so nice! haha guess he's one of the best tour guides i've seen so far.. he's bought us quite a lot of snacks and stuff along the way.. its nothing ex (well wad's ex here anyway..) but i guess its the thought that counts.. its chu xi today.. bet he misses home.. he made us do self-intro just now and he told us more abt his family too.. his mum just passed away last yr.. away from home and away from mum during cny.. i wonder how much he's concealing behind that smile..
just now mum gave him a hongbao.. saw the family sitting in front of us stuffing like 100 sgd into his hands.. that's nearly 500rmb lah.. oh well..
10.20pm
alone in hotel room again.. its a v nice night.. in v beautiful dali.. in a 5-star hotel.. with a rose each compliments from the hotel.. watching the cctv cny show now.. its really quite nice..
just now dinner was great.. haha of coz it has to be.. i think its the one of the best nian ye fan i've ever eaten.. each person got a bottle of red wine free.. tastes pretty ok to me..
just now was absolutely cool.. we played with fireworks! haha.. xy and a few others contributed money to buy a big box.. yeah it comes in boxes.. those big ones like that of countdown or ndp.. well it was real cool.. i didnt think it'll look that nice till i saw it right in front of my eyes.. but its not exactly cheap too.. abt 100 sgd.. we kept playing with diff sorts of fireworks, big and small, and firecrackers.. i played with some too haha.. den there was this box with defects.. instead of shooting up and exploding in the sky, it exploded on the ground. everyone was scrambling backwards.. after that all of us kept shouting to ask them to replace one box for us foc if not we'll all check out of the hotel haha (firewords are sold by the hotel and lit just outside in the hotel carpark.. yeah there were still a few cars driving in at that time haha) it was real fun coz we were all playing and laughing tgt..
i wonder how is everyone back at home.. happy cny!

29012006 11.45am
its the first day of cny today.. haha.. now i guess we're all trying to get used to the toilets here.. toilets here basically a tiled drain (that's if u are lucky.. there are those with just cement flooring) with walls.. no doors.. oh well.. haha.. just.. keep up with the smell..
saw jay on a tv ad and heard fa ru xue from a store on the streets just now.. i miss music and jay!
there are some taiwanese people in our tour grp.. they are really unafraid to express their views, even if they may make another person unhappy.. hmm.. finally really see how a taiwanese culture is like..

30012006 9.25am
love the villa we're living in for these 2 nights in lijiang man.. though its damn cold here.. i never needed to wear gloves for this trip till here in lijiang..
the villa here consists of many buildings.. each building has 3 foors but only 4 rooms.. coz the last night we went to the gucheng (ie ancient city) to look around.. v beautiful.. imagine weeping willows and a small stream in front of every house.. so nice.. and there are fireworks and firecrackers everywhere we go.. by the roadside, in front of houses, alleys, carparks, everywhere.. once smth exploded at xy's feet while we were walking and we didnt even know wad it was or where it came from.. haha
1st floor has a hall with a dining area, com area, and a kitchen! sounds like a bungalow sia.. oh yeah that's why i could blog this morning.. for free! 2 rooms on each of the upper floors.. the room is too small to put in an extra bed for me, so i got a new roommate for these 2 days! she's 50+ yrs old already.. but seriously the only thing i do there is to sleep.. haha..
this morning was superb.. coz our guan jia (who is quite like our maid actually haha) is vv nice! well every "bungalow" of the villa has a guan jia who lives with us and will settle everything for us.. breakfast is made by her.. the clearing up of rooms too.. breakfast was good and hot.. coz its straight from the kitchen! haha.. so cool.. and we have a glass of warm milk at night.. love this place lah..

31012006 8.25am
we're leaving the villa liao.. im going to miss it man.. its so beautiful! and our guan jia is so nice and sweet.. dad gave her tips too.. he seldom does that.. haha.. the only thing is that its just too cold here.. it might v well be around 0 deg.. super cold.. 2 more days and i'll be back in sg in the middle of the night, sleep for a few hrs and hopefully be prepared to face the challenges on the first day of work.. haha
5.50pm
it'll be the last night we're spending in china.. oh well we didnt do much today really.. spent most of our time on the bus travelling and sleeping..
dun think there's much to do tonight.. nvm i'll survive on tv again! so many channels to choose from.. spoilt for choice.. we dun have enough choices in sg... ><

01022006 9.10pm
oh well its an eventful night really.. we nearly couldnt get to the airport or go back to sg on time (which was wad i was worried abt right from the beginning, that i'll be late on the first day of work). poor xy.. i still feel quite sorry for him..
on our 2nd last tourist attraction, we were all waiting outside the bus for a long time coz the driver refused to open the door.. well he's actually a replacement for our previous bus driver coz that bus had a defect in its brakes (and we were on that v bus the previous day.. thank God it didnt spoil while we were on the roads). he wants to get his pay first before he'll drive us.. coz he's not from the tour agency company or anything.. he got cheated of his pay before so he's being ultra careful this time..
in the end it got settled by xy calling his company and asking some guy to bring the pay down here to kunming for him.. so that was how we got to our last destination, a night mkt, while the driver waited for his pay..
an hr later, we all gathered on the bus but the driver still hasnt got his pay.. so he simply refused to drive.. xy was pretty flustered by then and kept calling the company, and guess wad, the line's engaged.. in the end xy and our own tour guide from sg had to give him part of his pay from their own pockets first before he drove us to the airport.. xy was apologizing profusely on the bus and even looked like he was going to cry.. pretty pathetic i thought.. he's shy but nice and responsible.. bought us loads of snacks, drinks, even a bouquet of forget-me-nots for each family today.. we were super busy trying to finish all the food.. all of us felt sorry for him man.. coz its not his fault and yet he sorta took all the blame.. well our tours guides have to take the blame for wadeva that goes wrong i guess..
that wasn't it.. the driver refused to let us take our luggage out of the bus till the person from the company - finally - came with his pay.. it was quite a mess at the airport coz we were all afraid that we'll be late.. but still we made it.. we were still thanking xy alot and he was still apologizing alot.. he's nice.. but his company's not too good i guess.. maybe he should change company haha..
10.25pm
on the way back to sg.. feeling nostalgic as usual, after a trip.. but i guess this time a bit more.. due to all the drama just now.. plus the fact that its first day of work tml and i gotta wake up at 5+ doesnt really help.. and i'll only reach home at 2+ or 3.. haha.. just hope i dun fall asleep on the first day of work.. i prob wun even have the chance haha..

It's something Mystical

Thursday, February 02, 2006
withers away @ 10:42 pm

im back im back! haha.. will blog abt my trip later (as usual).. coz i really wanna talk abt today man.. my 1st day at work! haha.. it was.. eventful.. haha.. i was lost, i got into all sorts of situations.. but on the whole it was ok.. haha.. thanks to all the people there.. even the p was nice to me:) obviously i was pretty lost in the morning, but at least there was someone to guide me around and show me places and tell me some essential stuff.. everything in the morning seemed so familiar.. xiu mei da li tang (coz they dun haf an audi, they only haf a hall), same ny sch song, same motto, chinese pledge, chinese converstation with the p and teachers.. guess wad.. i think i saw my student doing the nan zhong quan in class.. it looked the same at least.. rmbr that horrible mass dance we had to do in front of tch.. oh gosh.. the strange yet familiar env just made me feel.. strange.. haha..
class was terrible esp at the start.. i was taking over a teacher on mc.. i didnt know wad to do, wad to expect, or where the teacher previously ended.. i didnt even know which classroom or rather, where the classroom is! the furthest i went to on the day of the interview was the general office.. luckily the class's chinese teacher was kind enough to lead me for a while.. to teach me how to use the visualiser.. i looked like a complete idiot in front of the class for abt 10 min haha..
of coz the class was noisy, rowdy, with a fair share of boys who can never settle down, girls who get bullied blah blah. after an hr my throat hurt. the best thing was, i left my bottle in the staff room. and i only have abt 1 and 1/2 hours of break all the way from 7.45 to 1.30 or rather abt 2. without water and shouting all the time except for that 1 and 1/2h.. but after that was pretty slack..
things i dread.. students getting injured.. blueblack and all.. i was so apologetic towards benjamin.. he was so sweet! though playful.. he actually drew a drawing for me at the start of the lesson, saying its to welcome me to nyps, coz i said im new here.. i hope his parents dun come after me saying i didnt take care of his safety in class.. though i admit im partly responsible.. haiz.. i cant take care of a bunch of 20+ rowdy boys at one go.. but at least i did teach them a lesson (i hope).. coz they all sorta quietened down and not play so much anymore for the rest of the period..
another girl folded me a paper boat. sweet right.. the girls were so sweet.. they were actually making get well soon cards for their teacher who is on mc.. complete with envelop all made and drawn and written by themselves..
hanging around by yourself in a unfamiliar env is tough.. for one i couldnt even find the toilet.. so the first time i went to the toilet i used the girls toilet coz i couldnt find the staff one >< i dunno where the canteen is, so i just followed the kids when they went for recess.. i dunno where the libary is, so my class had to lead the way for me, not mentioning them screaming and stomping for attention along the way, till there were teachers popping their heads out of classes.. i was so malu.. oh yes.. till now, i still couldnt find the water cooler.. i need to ask sheena or huiru tml.. (yes bao surprised? sheena's a relief teacher here too!) erm the huiru is not the one we know.. oh and i found out, through random exploring by myself, that the dance studio is also called mei yun wu dao shi.. haha..
well at least i met more people, talked to more teachers and other supporting staff, though i dunno their names but i recognize them.. but its nice to hear them make an effort to rmbr and call me by my name.. i should try to make that effort too.. just that i've never been good with names.. oops.. haha
let's hope tml will be a better day:)
and may God bless mrs che..

It's something Mystical